Red Flags in Any Relationship
CW: Talks about abuse, manipulation, self harm, and suicide.
This could be an entire book on its own, but let's just start with a blog post. I have dealt with so much manipulation, emotional immaturity, and drama over the years, in myself and others. I now have a good list of red flags that I use to determine when boundaries need to be set, things need to be said, and worst case scenario, I have to walk away.
Let's start with a very crucial one. Ignoring and overstepping boundaries. This is probably the one that I see most often, especially as you begin to finally set boundaries. People who take advantage of you, your emotions, your ideas, your energy, your body, do not like having full unfettered access removed. So when you tell them, "No", or "This is how I want to be treated", and they ignore that, that is a massive red flag. You deserve respect and autonomy, and they should not cross that. It's a great test in the beginning of a relationship, including friendships, to set a boundary and see how they respond. If they're upset, disregard, or push it, that's an issue.
There are people in my life who still try this, but are improving. I do not walk away because I love them and I hope the relationship can improve. We will see. However, it is completely understandable to not wait for that, and to leave safely, when there is no progress or safety.
Another big one, is when people threaten consequences when you start holding those boundaries. If you reject someone and they threaten to self harm, that's not your fault, that's not on you to worry about, and that is a massive fucking red flag. That is manipulative, even if they do mean it and need help. They need therapy, and should go to the ER or call 988 or something and take care of these feelings. I understand having the feeling, as rejection can cause people to spiral in their wounds, but the fact that they put it onto the person who rejected them is not acceptable. That is often a tactic used by manipulators and abusers in order to keep you in the cycle of manipulation, control, and abuse. It’s also understandable to ask for help from friends, but if it is set up as a retaliation or consequence, that is a huge red fucking flag.
A slightly less dark and difficult but still dangerous idea is when they threaten consequences like "If you do not do what I want, I will be upset, demand you do what I ask, turn off your phone/internet/etc". You might say, "But Caelynn, isn't this discipline?" One, discipline is about teaching children how to grow into mature adults, and using manipulation is not how you do that. Two, grown adults should not do this to each other either. I have head of people being in relationships where their partner tells them to quit their job due to jealousy or tell them they can't eat certain things any more until they lose weight, etc.
These are all manipulation tactics, even with children. Children are not property, they are autonomous human beings. It is not their fault that you cannot regulate your emotions, understand how to amicably handle conflict, teach people without control, etc. There is a problem, especially here in the States, where people think that their kids are their property, and they can just treat them however they wish. And then they act like that is not controlling, manipulative, or abusive, when it absolutely is.
If you have boundaries, concerns, feelings, and needs, you should be able to communicate that without manipulation. "Roads can be very dangerous, and I am afraid that if you do not ride your bike with protective gear, you may get hurt," is much better than "Wear your helmet or I'll throw your bike away". One of those examples is someone who can communicate without threats of violence, while teaching why the helmet and pads are needed. The other is an adult throwing a tantrum and using threats to get what they want. Guess who will have a stronger relationship with their kids?
This also goes for various kinds of relationships between adults. If you should not harm children, why would it be acceptable to harm adults, and vice versa?
Next, let's talk about criticism. One, ask them first, if they want advice or criticism. "Can I offer some feedback/Would you like advice/etc" allows them to consent to the advice being given. If they say no, drop it. This allows it to be warranted, rather than unwarranted advice. This is one I am working on, and am still having issues with. I want to help but here's the thing, I'm not being that helpful if they already know what they need to do, and I'm coming in with zero context or background.
Two, criticism should be constructive. "I don't like how that looks," "I don't like that dress on you," "I wouldn't have done that," "I just think you shouldn't treat family that way," "I wouldn't do that if I were you", etc., are just you stroking your ego. It's you thinking you're better and know better. You don't, and get over yourself. If someone asks, you can be honest, but also maybe instead of being negative, you can be honest and constructive. You can instead of thinking of what you feel and like, put yourself into their position. Let's say they got a haircut. You don't like it, because you don't like change and you also wouldn't do that for you. Stop that. Instead, think "does this look good on them?" In the end, their life is not about you, even with advice. I'm not telling you to lie, but you can deliver things in ways that are actually helpful, and not just mean or cruel.
I grew up with this. "Hmmmm, I just think you could have done it like this," "I don't like that dress on you, it's too short," "I don't think you're ready to move out," "No, I don't like that, I think you should use this color instead." I know these are meant to be honest and helpful, but they are negative. They're not saying, "Let me help you grow," they are saying, "Let me think for you. Let me do what I want for you." It wasn't until I set boundaries that this changed.
Relationships should be about love and growth, not manipulation, control, or abuse. If someone is talking down to you, disrespecting you, disregarding your autonomy, please work on it or if it isn't working or safe, leave.
You deserve people in your life who love you in the ways you deserve.
Love y'all 💕